The Threshold

bumblebee brain, Selkies, and roars.

My bumblebee mind eases
into the cradle of earth 
beneath boots,
a hitch of breath
when the heron takes sudden, 
silent flight
through the forest - still - 
in Winter's pause.
Summer's lush secrets are
wide open,
a woodland tide
receding until Spring -
Even here are gifts.

-JM, January 2024

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The older I get, the more I see how much each year carries. What it gives and takes.

I’ve heard that as women approach 40, there is a shift within them. The cares and worries of the years before seem less significant, their voices quieter.

My arms are outstretched to it.

I have outgrown this small, thinly stretched skin. The place I convinced myself was safer.

Without stopping to think, I cast the old pelt off and reach for what has been patiently dormant.

The hand of my younger self slips into mine. We run, giggling, through the forest. Her smile is exuberant. She guides me across a threshold of river stones, like a bride, to the sea. To the skin I was meant to wear.

I put it on and feel myself expand and unfurl, reaching for the sun and the waves and the coolness of the earth all at once. There is a roar in my chest. It fills my body, and I let it escape my lips.

I do not - I will not - tell it to be quiet any longer.

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My therapist grins at me, saying I am like a new woman. Perhaps, I laugh, I am. She asks me what’s changed after the 3 years we’ve been meeting.

For several moments I am silent, finding the words I need. She is used to this and waits, patiently looking at me from the screen.

I am choosing myself. I am speaking up. I am pursuing what matters to me, instead of only what matters to other people. My partner is supporting me, loving me, and we are making progress in our relationship as he takes charge of his mental and physical health. The boys are getting more independent (one is officially wiping his own bottom - huzzah). I have chosen to stop homeschooling them next year, for many reasons, and I feel free. I’m narrating audiobooks - the most perfect way to combine the things I love to do - and I’ve made so many dear friends. I wake up and I am proud of myself.

For the first time in a long time, or perhaps for the first in all my time, I feel like the soul-skin I am in fits.

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This linocut by Diem Dangers captivated me recently. Anyone who has read my work for a while knows I am drawn to strong imagery in nature, that of trees and tides, folklore and mythology. Since I became a mother, the Selkie has particularly connected with me.

Some of you may have seen the Irish film, The Secret of Roan Inish (the source of my oldest’s name). There is another beautiful fictional telling of a Selkie woman in the book Becoming Leidah by Michelle Grierson.

The Selkie is from the folklore of Ireland, Scotland, Iceland, and the Faroe Islands. Diem Dangers writes about it beautifully in her post:

“When the Selkie puts her skin back on and returns to the ocean she returns home to her authentic Self, and that wildness is not foreign or threatening, it is comforting and where she is most at home. Like what happens to the Selkie in the story, so many of us are enamored by false lovers who promise us alternative homes than the skin we were born in: advertisements that offer us diets to become thinner, clothes to make us supposedly look “better”. We may feel like to be loved we must act differently or in conformity to cultural and social pressures external to us that do not see or value who we really are. This folktale is about falling back in love with who we are naturally, it is about finding our pelt or skin, and returning back to our true home.”

Some of my false lovers: body image, style influencers, relationships with narcissists, my religious upbringing.

What are some of yours? I would love to hear from you either in the comments below or in an email. Simply reply from your inbox, and it will go directly to me.

As always, thank you for being here.

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bits and pieces

My latest release on Audible - Charmian Kittredge London: Trailblazer, Author, Adventurer, written by Iris Jamahl Dunkle. It was an honor to narrate her story and empower her life even further.

I have two more books releasing soon. Right now I am in between recording and enjoying the space to read, bake, and daydream.

I got a tattoo! I’m in love, and with a years-long dream of my torso becoming a garden, this is only the beginning.

Lately I’ve read some wonderful books. I just finished Stanley Tucci’s butter, cheese, f-bomb, and other anecodotes-filled book, Taste: My Life Through Food. As a result I am now watching his series, Searching for Italy, and using the f-word even more than I already do - though not in front my kids. (I still partially attribute the love of this word to my years spent living in Northern Ireland.) The audiobook of The Sisters of the Winter Wood by Rena Rossner was narrated by the loveliest human, Ana Clements. If you enjoy Ukrainian/Jewish folklore, you will love this story. (Note - if you listen to the book, the tale is told from the perspective of two sisters in alternating chapters. One sister’s is told in poetic prose.)

While I am just emerging into baking and cooking again, this is has been my favorite easy solo lunch recipe as of late - Instant Pot Ramen.

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Wishing you an abundance of coziness. I always love to hear from my readers, so please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Warmly,

Jess